Let me start with a confession: During the last stage of pregnancy of my wife, I came to know how my religion, Islam, honors mothers. Since that moment, I became very jealous of my wife. I seriously started thinking if I could, ever, be a mother. Clearly, there seemed nothing to be precious than becoming a mother in Islam.
This feeling got little intense after our baby was born. People were asking me about my feelings. Though, unlike many, I found it completely not surprising to change her diaper, clean her, feed her, I was very embarrassed to say that I actually don’t feel anything special about her. When, almost everyone around me started asking it and I replied same, I started thinking two things:
1) I may not have enough emotion to feel it.
2) Probably, there is not much thing to feel by a father (getting more jealous).
However, #1 isn’t true. I know myself. In many cases, I’m strong in expressing emotion but I know what I got. So, I ended up thinking #2 may be correct.
After about 2.5 months age of baby I flew to Bangladesh leaving mother & baby behind. When I was in Bangladesh, friends and family was asking if I’m missing the baby. At this point, my answer changed slightly. Most of the cases it was ‘little’ or ‘not much’. Clearly, they didn’t like the answer. They probably expected me to say “I can’t live without her”.
However, things started changing very fast in a week of my travel. I was watching baby over Skype playing with her mom. She (Naisa) became very responsive. She now plays, smiles, makes some noise when she is asked/showed, tries to stand up, hold fingers and direct that to her mouth etc. I started realizing my feeling is changing fast. So, when my wife said she also wants to visit Bangladesh, I made it happen very quickly.
When baby came to Bangladesh (25 days since I saw her last time) she is little bigger but lot charming and playful. She can even hold her feeder (though can’t keep it aligned) and understands that she needs to put the nipple inside her mouth. She does hell lot of other things that just amazing and tough to express in writing.
Now, honestly, it’s very tough just even to stay far without watching her. Relatives, specially cousins, are literally in competition to keep her. They’re sometime angry on me as I frequently become their biggest another competitor showing excuses like feeding her, cleaning her etc.
She now makes some weird noises when I keep her on my shoulder and tap her back. However, to me these noises are most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.
So all these things change two things
1) I got my emotions right; it just took little while to show up 😛
2) It’s not that bad to be a dad. Happiness with her is gender-agnostic. And fatherhood is the only thing that completes a man.
Enjoying every moment with Naisa!